My Heart is Gripped with Fear

2/20/2015 01:18:00 AM sendtheroths 1 Comments

I have learned that when you run with strong leaders, it is incredibly easy to hide behind their strength.

But that was not God's plan for me.

I was married at age 20 and I guess I thought that marriage was God’s reward to me for finding my identity in Him, for standing firm in the vision that He gave me. I felt like it was some kind of reward for passing an exam.

Marriage was a tool. It was another tool that God gave me to put in my tool-belt as I continued to work for Him, but it didn’t mean that I passed any test. Even if I did, it didn’t mean that the battle for my trust in Him was finished.

In actuality, my choice to surround myself with strong people of God would force me into new levels of faith. It would also force me to reconcile parts of myself that I would prefer to avoid.

Insecurity. Pride. Fear.

I just want to be raw and real about the fact that taking on Rally International has put a new level of the fear of the Lord on me.

- When I open my inbox and look at the emails from missionaries, both short-term and long term, who are raising thousands of dollars to dedicate their life to transforming some of the most volatile communities on the earth.

- When I watch Pastor Euclide take the stage at a church or small group meeting and begin to literally rock the walls with his passion and anointing.

- When I roll over in bed and hear the soft utterances of my husband seeking God, asking for wisdom and pleading for people groups around the world.

- When I look at my cell phone and see the list of text messages and phone calls from pastors and spiritual leaders from around the United States. People I never thought that I would have the privilege to rub shoulders with.

- When I open my Facebook and see streams of messages from people in the Congo that I have learned to love with my whole heart asking ‘how is the work?’ ‘we miss you,’ ‘we love you,’ ‘we are praying for you.’

My heart is gripped with fear.
Fear of stepping outside of the shadow of His wings. Fear of leaving the cleft of His rock. Fear of leaning on my own understanding and abilities.

I thought that I learned this lesson years ago, but again, I’m learning that the strength of any ministry that I do is that which comes from my wounds.

I truly am a wounded healer. My leadership is only as real as my desperation is.